The task at hand was a small writing assignment that portrayed A. my knowledge of the fitness industry and B. my irresistible wit, humor, charm, and lovely sarcasm. Enjoy…
It’s Fall again, which means everyone is putting down their glass of rosé, shoving their ‘whites’ to the back of the closet, denying all the chips & ‘guac’ that they consumed over the summer months, and getting back to the gym to get FIT, YES, OMG FITNESS…until Halloween comes around and then everyone stops because it’s ‘like the holidays’.
While you make your way back to your gym, favorite exercise class, or trainer here are some things that you should reconsider doing; they’ve had their moment, it was great, but let’s kindly give them a moment of silence and put them to rest. After all, it’s time for some new fads to have their reign, SoulCycle anyone?
Disclaimer: In no way am I discrediting any of these means of exercise, they all have a proper time, place, use, and effectiveness. I’m only commenting on the mass trend that we see within the fitness culture.
1. Running 5Ks
Why are we making events and such hype over running 3.1 miles? That’s about 45 minutes of running for the average person. You’d be better off taking your registration fee and directly donating it to whatever charity you’re running for. After deducting the cost of your chip, bib, and complimentary goodie bag with a water bottle and t-shirt, only half of that fee probably goes to charity. Volunteer your time for that charity…I bet you’ll burn more calories of volunteering for 45 minutes then running.
Undoubtedly effective and has it’s proper place in a balanced exercise plan, but taking a ‘Yoga to the People’ class & then treating yourself to 16 Handles may not get you to where you want to be. Stop trying to take something that is so traditional, strong rooted, and healing & slapping the word ‘groove’ after it, it’s like serving a delicious filet mignon with ketchup…
3. Paleo diet
Having been a proud and obnoxious Paleo lady for roughly 6 months, I realized that I was just stuffing my face with meat & almond butter, Fail-eo? Great means of cleaning up your diet and addiction to sugar, but a high protein diet that doesn’t allow many opportunities for fiber consumption is just…never good.
4. Juice cleanses
Intelligently cleansing your body and it’s system is one thing, feeding it over priced & overly fruity ‘green juices’ for 3 days only so you can look good in your bridesmaids dress is another. Juice isn’t food people!
5. Banded pull ups
EVERYONE wants to do a pull-up, chin-up, muscle-up, etc. and unfortunately most people can’t just bust out reps of these babies, enter exercises that gradually progress you to that level! Banded ‘up’ things! But the tricky thing about progressions you see, is that you go from step to step, each step gets harder, and more advanced (eventually you have to stop using the pacifier…I mean band). Each time you do a banded pull-up ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?”, additionally each time you do a kipping banded pull-up ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?”, each time you realize that your shoulder is impinged ask yourself, “How did this happen?”, and lastly if someone asks you to do a weighted banded pull-up…walk away from that person &
6. Foam rolling like a jack-ass
Foam rolling is absolutely wonderful, necessary, effective, etc. but if you don’t know how to properly use it, ask someone! Knee caps, faces, and elbows don’t need any myofascial release.
7. “__________ is the new skinny”
“Strong is the new skinny”, “Fit is the new skinny”, I even saw a t-shirt the other day that said “Traps are the new tits”…nothing is the new skinny, leave skinny alone & let it be. Strong & fit and having traps wasn’t beautiful & sexy before? Need I bring up almost every female athlete ever prior to 2014? Just sayin…
8. Referring to everything as “strength training”
I’m not sure when it happened but “strength training” now encompasses everything done at a gym not on cardio machines, ie. jumping rope, burpees, TRX training, 5lb. dumb bell circuits, and even cartwheels!
9. Bearded Olympic lifters
Ok I get it, a majority of you are into weightlifting because of CrossFit, most of you probably idolized Louis Parker for some time, a rather strong gentleman with a rather nice beard. Yes your singlet/beard combination is adorable, but I’m slowly starting to believe that in order to be in any barbell club you have to have a beard, am I missing something? Klokov doesn’t have a beard! kind of…
10. Instagram videos of your workouts
Dear fitness trainers, coaches, teachers, gurus, etc. of the world: It’s lovely to watch you do a completely unnecessary ‘broad jump into burpee into sled push into forward roll’ followed by ‘a single arm row into step up into single arm kettlebell clean & press’, but that is just goofy & is much more reminiscent to dance choreography than an exercise that people can do on their own that will make them stronger & healthier. Not to mention that no one, including your clients, wants to watch countless videos of you with “Niggas in Paris” synced up to the crap quality video. #dontdoubletap
I hope no egos were bruised during this post.